Why I Want to Lose the Weight

(if you haven’t already, you might want to read this post before reading further)

I won’t even pretend like it’s some admirable reason like “I want to be healthy” or “I want to be able to run and play with my kids.” I want to lose the weight because I’m tired of feeling like I’m worthless. I’m tired of feeling like I’m not worthy of being loved or accepted or valued because I’m overweight.

It’s hard for me to express in words, because I have amazing friends and family who love me and support me. But in the back of my mind, I always feel that they love me in spite of my weight problems, and not regardless of. It’s not because of anything they’ve done or said, it’s because of how I view myself. I feel that my weight is a giant cloud hanging over my head that screams “I’m worthless” to everyone I meet.  I’m tired of feeling worthless.

It’s so hard for me to be free, it’s so hard for me to let go and be myself – even around many of my friends. I’m so much more open over the phone than I am in person because I carry self-consciousness around with me like an overcoat. I laugh with my mouth covered because I feel like my face looks fat when I smile. I like to sit with pillows and blankets (or babies) across my lap because I feel like they shield me. I hate to walk across a room, or turn my back to someone, because I hate to feel like people are looking at me. I don’t like to go shopping, or go to the library, or walk through the park. I’m so tired of hiding.

Starting a photography business was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. Until then, I rarely left the house unless I had to, rarely interacted with anyone unless it was via phone or internet. I was happy to have a blog as long as I didn’t have to post a picture, happy to interact on facebook as long as people still remembered me the way I was in high school. But when I started getting out there and meeting new people, it was excruciating. I’ll never, ever forget the first time I did a photo shoot with an old friend from high school… I was so afraid for her to see me… to see “what I’d become.” I even called her on the phone before our session to tell her that I’d gained weight because I was so afraid of the shock I’d see on her face if I didn’t say something. I’m tired of feeling like I have to apologize for myself.  I’m tired of feeling embarrassed.

I’m tired of being surprised when people are kind to me, because I feel like I don’t deserve kindness. I’m tired of being surprised when people want to be my friend because I feel like I have nothing to offer. I’m tired of feeling my weight as a huge “yea… but” to every good thing I do, every accomplishment I achieve. I’m tired of feeling that God couldn’t possibly use me to minister to someone else, because I haven’t conquered this demon. I’m tired of feeling surprised when He does use me to minister to others.

I’m tired of feeling worthless. I’m tired of feeling like a failure. I’m tired of feeling unlovable. I’m tired of feeling ashamed.

That’s why I want to lose weight.

.

Category: Weight Loss

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5 Responses to Why I Want to Lose the Weight

  1. Michelle says:

    I can completely understand your every word here…personally. Please know that you are not alone. I know it is hard to interalize this (believe me) but I MUST tell you, from my heart, that your life has permanently altered the direction of mine in a wonderfully beautiful and awesome way…because of you are. I love you and appreciate you for WHO YOU ARE…110 pounds or 410 pounds. Thank you for being yourself. That’s what changes peoples lives. (Now, get out there and shed those pounds for YOU.) :)

    • Rina says:

      I believe that, Michelle, and I feel the exact same way! I love you soooooooo much! I’ve spent countless hours praying for a friend like you and am SO THANKFUL to have you in my life. We’re going to loose this, and we’re going to come out of our shells in ways we never could have imagined!!! I”m so looking forward to us doing this together… it’s going to be incredible to see what God has in store for us.

  2. Mrs. Parunak says:

    Thank you for your courageous honesty. I think Satan loves to lie to people (especially women) and convince us that our appearance defines our worth. Our whole culture revolves around that, the worship of the body. We see it in our magazines, our television, our advertising, our obsessions with plastic surgery, make-up, fashion, even porn. A woman’s body is her worth, right out there for all to see and evaluate. I know exactly how you feel, not because I’ve had your exact problem, but because I have a different problem, and the lies I struggle with daily are the same. I’ve really had to confront this as an idol in my life. (This article was especially convicting: http://theresurgence.com/2011/02/07/how-does-worship-transform-us.) If I believe that, despite who God is and all He’s done for me, my worth is still somehow less because of my problem, then I am worshiping beauty above God. As great as God is, He is unable to make up for my deficiency. I may say I’m a Christian, but I’m bowing down at a little altar before a goddess of physical perfection. I have to stop. God will not share His glory with another.

    Now that does not mean that you shouldn’t lose weight. In my case, there isn’t a feasible solution to the problem, so I will have to live with it the rest of my life. But you can and should work to be healthy and to be a good steward of the body God gave you to serve Him in. It’s just that it seems to me that maybe in addition to losing weight, you should also work to detox from all the lies our culture believes.

    • Rina says:

      Andrea, wow, thank you for your comment and thank you for linking the article. I agree very much with a lot of what it has to say, and a lot of what you have to say here, especially regarding detoxing from the lies our culture believes. I know that I need to get to a place where I feel I’m worthy regardless of the way that I look. At the same time, I don’t really think it’s about physical perfection for me… it’s deeper than that. The problem for me is in feeling like I’m not a good person because I haven’t been able to overcome this sin. And I literally wear this sin around for the world to see, and it makes me feel worthless that I haven’t been able (until now) to overcome it. Maybe that’s an idol, in and of itself. Maybe my idol has been the desire to be the “perfect Christian.” I know that God has been dealing with me about this very thing for several months now. In light of that, I think my plan is to give myself over to God, let Him know that I’m willing to allow Him to strip me of whatever He needs to strip me of, and let it go. In a lot of ways, I feel that I’m not in charge of tearing down my own idols. I’m in charge of giving God permission to break them to pieces – and my heart sometimes, too. At least, that’s what I feel He’s been teaching me of late.

  3. Pingback: Where DO I Get My Energy??? | Rina Marie

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