Those Poor Torah-Observant Rednecks need a Microwave!

We got the most awesome gift in the mail today!  Check it out!!!

To understand just how great this gift is, you have to know the whole story, which is why my husband Jon is posting today…

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I suppose two questions come to the minds of those who see us strolling through Sam’s Club.  Let me describe the scene.  I’m in the front with full gray beard and tassels on my belt-loops, in tow are our six children (because we are a “quiver-full” family [i.e we don't use birth control and we enjoy... each other's company]  The girls are all in dresses and wearing head-coverings and are holding the hands of their little brothers.  Last, but certainly not least, comes my wife in “full head covering Regala” modestly dressed with long skirt and sleeves.  When people see us, I suppose they ask themselves two questions.  First, “What are they?” And secondly, “What are we really like?” To the former, our standard “put-a-label-on-us” answer is that we are torah-observant charismatic Christians.  As vague as that might sound, it is not the purpose of this article to completely define it.  NO, the point of this article is to address the latter, “What are they really like?”

Here is a brief snippet to give you a glimpse at what happens in our house when the head coverings and tassels come off and the sun sets upon the Sabbath.  About three months ago, my wife got us hooked on the TV. show “Ice Road Truckers.”  Now, we neither have satellite nor cable television (because of the potential negative influence on our family), but we do have Netflix for the purpose of education (because, of course, we are homeschoolers.)  However, every now and then, my wife and I watch some form of entertainment.  One evening as I’m just about to go to bed, my wife runs into the bedroom and says, “Jon, you’ve got to come see this!”  That was the beginning of long romantic evenings spent watching Hugh “The Polar Bear” Roland and Jack Jesse “The Haul-Road Ace” battle it out on the Ice Road for the title of Load Count King.  We watched a whole season in about two weeks.  Well, one evening, after the Sabbath, we decided to watch our favorite new past time.  We thought it would be nice to have some popcorn, but, we were out.

Now, to give you some background information…

Several months before this, we’d cleaned out the basement (aka “The Abyss.”)  This was a HUGE deal.   We had to get volunteers to come and watch the kids and other volunteers to help us just to carry out all the junk that had accumulated in our basement.  You see, I wasn’t raised torah-observant-quiver-full-home-schooling charismatic-Christian.  I was raised one step above redneck-white trash.  As a result of my reputable upbringing, I developed the habit of hoarding.  (Papaw was a junk dealer don’t ya know)  Well, in all the chaos of cleaning out the abyss, the microwave got removed.  I say removed because all we really did was take all the stuff out of the basement and make a huge pile at the end of the driveway.  Where it sat for around 3-4 months.  (Because every good torah observant family has two broken deep freezers, 3 dog crates, one broken stair climber, 1 old refrigerator, and several old computer monitors, keyboards, and mouses piled up somewhere in their yard)  You see, my redneck roots just won out.

So, I went to the dollar store (after the Sabbath of course) to get some popcorn.  Only, the dollar store was out of the right kind of popcorn.  All they had was microwave popcorn (we usually make it on the stove.)  So, I think to myself: “Where is the microwave?  Surely I wouldn’t have thrown that out into the “pile?” (which became our pet name for the abyss after it moved to the end of the driveway.)  I figure it is still in the basement somewhere, so I get some microwave popcorn and head for home.

Upon arrival, I found that the microwave was, indeed, in “the pile.”  Not to be deterred, I got it from the pile and brought it in to see if it would work… and what do you know, it does!  Or so I thought.  I placed a bag of microwave popcorn in and set it on for 2-3 minutes.   I’m not exactly sure what was wrong with the microwave but against our creationist beliefs, it must have evolved into a nuclear reactor while lying in the pile because after about a minute, the bag of popcorn was on fire and smoke and burnt -popcorn-smell filled the kitchen.  Being the redneck that I am, I just unplug the thing, carry it back to the “pile” and chuck it on top.  Where it sat for another month until we found a junk dealer willing to haul it off to his own yard and a more prestigious pile than mine.

My wife called me at work today to let me know that someone anonymously sent us a brand new microwave oven.  Which tells me that someone in our circle of friends and family (whom we’ve told this story to)  must have left us thinking, “those poor redneck (torah-observant home-schooling quiver-full charismatics) don’t even have a microwave with which to make popcorn for Ice Road Truckers!  Why, no good (Sabbath-keeping, beard wearing, head covering) white-trash family should have to watch an episode of Ice Road Truckers without popcorn!!!”  Blessing to you, anonymous and thoughtful donor.  May the LORD return your kindness five hundred fold.

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Categories: Cleaning/Organizing, Humor,